How you cannot win friends and influence people

Whenever you’re talking to people, say what you have to say. But once they start replying back to you, completely ignore it. It can’t possibly be interesting or important. In fact, it is critical that you use this time to prepare for what you’re going to say once they’re done.

Think very hard about what absolutely genius thing you’re going to say next. Also, make it really obvious that this is exactly what you’re doing by not showing any form of acknowledgement once they’re done and if you can, start your next thought even if they’re not quite finished with their final sentence.

Whenever you’re around people, complain a lot. If you’re meeting someone after work for dinner, make sure you tell them all about how horrible it is to work where you work.

If you can, also throw in some unpleasent facts about your family for extra bonus points.

It’s not enough that you’re drained after a long day of work, you can’t possibly be happy until the other person is completely drained as well.

The following step works well with anyone, but I’ve found that it works especially well if you have a significant other. Like most people, she probably has great qualities along with some unpleasent ones. And you know very well which ones you need to focus on.

Don’t ever say anything appreciative about how she cleaned up your mess, or how she tried to make you happy yesterday... These things are irrelevant. Focus instead on the one negative trait she has and constantly criticize her for it.

Always walk around with a pissed off and an unpleasent face. Don’t ever smile. When people don’t react well to you and your social interactions suffer, be confused as to why...

Make sure to not make any effort to remember people’s names. It’s not like you can make them feel like you care if you do. If this task requires that you put in extra effort or figure out a way to get better at this, come up with an excuse to not take responsibility.

One that works really well is the following... All you have to do is say this magic sentence: “Sorry, but I’m not good with names.” This somehow completely takes away any need to make an effort, and hey, now you’re the victim. Congratulations!

 Remember at all times that the most important person is you, and therefore the most important interests and hobbies in the world are of course the ones that you have. Don’t ever genuinely be interested in what’s going on with other people. Your one friend’s a martial artist while the other’s a soccer player? Don’t ever ask them what that’s like and possibly look at things from a new perspective. No, those are barbaric and unsophisticated practices you have no interest in. Instead always talk about reading books and how that is the most important thing in the world. And while you’re doing that, make sure to tell them about how much you love Dale Carnegie as well.

Don’t ever make people feel important especially when you’re dealing with people in a position of power. If a cop pulls you over, don’t ever say things like “yes, sir” or “yes, ma’am.” Talk to him or her like you talk to your homeboys. After all, you are a self-proclaimed gangster and any other form of interaction would be a weakness on your part. As a result, end up with a ticket that is ten times worse than what you would have gotten by making the person feel important. I mean it’s not like many people in a position of power aren’t strictly there just because they get that sinister sense of pleasure from other people making them feel important. 

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